Responsibility: What's Your Parenting Policy?

By: Kari, MA, LPC, NCC

 

 

 

One of the primary goals of parenting is to raise children to become responsible adults.  However, in order to do that, they must first learn to be responsible children.  This is accomplished through the parent(s) setting limits, giving the child choices within those limits, and allowing the child to experience the consequences of his or her choice(s).  This teaches children that their choices matter and carry responsibility.

 

As a parent, you have the opportunity to create a family culture of teamwork and cooperation.  Children are great at picking up on adults' unspoken expectations and living up (or down!) to them.  This means that if you are expecting your child to be cooperative, you are more likely to get cooperation in return.  Of course, merely expecting something doesn't mean it's guaranteed to happen, but over time, your child will likely grow to be more confident and responsible. 

 

Many parents tend to struggle with figuring out what is appropriate to expect of children at different ages.  As children get older, they go through different developmental stages.  Generally speaking, parents can expect certain skills and behaviors as children reach these different ages and stages.

 

So what are some age-appropriate expectations?  Well, most:

...6-year-olds can pick out clothes to wear, make a lunch, use a toaster, feed a pet, bring notes to/from school, etc.

...7-year-olds can take phone messages, sweep/wash the floor, wash/walk/train a pet, do the dishes, etc.

...8- and 9-year-olds can help with shopping, cook simple meals using recipes, clean their room with minimal assistance, vacuum, etc.

...10- and 11-year-olds can change bedding, use a washer/dryer, manage their homework schedule, fold/put away laundry, learn how to use/save money, clean their room weekly without assistance, etc.

...12-year-olds and young teens (13-14) can mow a lawn, wash a car, clean the stove/oven, babysit, etc.

...middle to older teens (15-19) can help with daily or weekly household chores (i.e. cleaning the bathroom or other common areas of the house), make sure the car does not run out of gas, hold an after-school job, etc.

 

With all of that in mind, in order to set your child up for success rather than failure, it's important to remember that children develop at their own rate.  It's also important not to let gender roles or ages/stages limit expectations.  For instance, parents can expect both girls and boys to help with housework.

 

Finally, when your child accomplishes any of the tasks listed above, you can reinforce that behavior by showing your genuine appreciation.  A hug, a pat on the back, or even a simple "thank you" can go a long way toward encouraging your child to continue to be cooperative and responsible.





Standing Against Family Violence

By: Kari, MA, LPC, NCC

 

Family Violence is a pattern of behaviors used by a family member to obtain power and control  over another family member.  "Power and control" is in bold because family violence is not an anger management problem; it is a behavioral choice made by the perpetrator(s).  This can take the form of emotional, verbal, financial, physical, spiritual, and/or sexual abuse.  Some common terms include domestic violence (DV), intimate partner violence, child abuse, elder abuse, and teen dating violence. 

Domestic violence is an equal opportunity problem.  In fact, it is the single leading cause of injury and death for women of all socioeconomic, ethnic, and cultural backgrounds.  On average, at least 3 women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends each day in the U.S.  However, it is important to note that anyone can be a victim, regardless of age, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, intelligence/education level, or socioeconomic status, and there is no profile of a "typical" victim.  Men can also be victims, and the prevalence of domestic violence in same-sex relationships is comparable to that in heterosexual relationships.  (Because victims are most often women and men are most often perpetrators, this article will refer to victims as "she" or "her" and perpetrators as "he" or "him").

Perpetrators are most often male; exhibit controlling behavior; blame others and/or external forces for their violent behavior; are excessively jealous; tend to rush into relationships; have unrealistic expectations or demands; believe in male supremacy; are often sophisticated, charming, and manipulative; and tend to be very intelligent, with knowledge of the legal system and impressive jobs or careers.

The influence of drugs and/or alcohol is often used as an excuse for violence.  However, substance use/abuse is not the cause of violence.  In fact, research has shown that abusers who enter substance abuse treatment programs and are successful in recovery are often still abusive.

If you are unfamiliar with the cycle of power, control, and manipulation that takes place in abusive relationships, it is easy to fall into the trap of wondering why she stays or goes back to her abuser time and time again.  It can certainly be scary and frustrating to see someone you care about in this type of situation.  If you find yourself in that category, I would encourage you to think about some of the things that make it difficult to leave a non-violent marriage or committed relationship.  You would probably come up with things like love, hope that the person will change, children, pets, religious beliefs, housing concerns, lack of support, and financial concerns.  Well, all of those same reasons still apply when it comes to abusive relationships, in addition to fear and feeling powerless and hopeless.  Further, abusive relationships seldom start out that way.  In fact, abuse tends to get progressively worse over time.  Consider the egg-boiling analogy:  If you drop a cold egg into boiling water, it's likely to crack; however, if you put the egg in the water and then turn on the heat, the shell remains intact.

If you think you or someone you know might be involved in an abusive relationship, here are some red flags to watch out for:

• Fear of what will happen at home and/or how he will react.
• Fear of making decisions without his input.
• He is always with her, doesn't want to leave her alone, and/or keeps track of her every move.
• He answers questions for her.
• She is lonely and isolated, with little to no support.
• She is exhibiting anxiety, depression, drinking/abusing drugs, and/or self-injury behaviors.

If you think someone you know might be involved in an abusive relationship, here are some dos and don'ts:

• DO acknowledge that violence is wrong and a crime.
• DO acknowledge that she is in a difficult and scary situation.
• DO be supportive, whether she decides to leave the relationship or not.
• DO assure her that help is available for both her and her abuser.
• DO refer her to domestic violence professionals.
• DO ask her if she is safe and/or help her develop a safety plan.
• DO document the incident.  Victims often need documented proof of injuries when using the legal system to get protection from the abuser.
• DO remember that you cannot save her and that safety comes first (for both you and the victim)!
• DON'T pass judgment on her or the person who has hurt her.
• DON'T confront the abuser about anything the victim says.
• DON'T suggest marriage or couples counseling!
• DON'T assume that she will be safer when she leaves.  The most dangerous time for a victim is right after she leaves her abuser.

 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month





Redefining the Bullying Conversation

By: Mandy, MSW, LSW

 

If you’re anything like me, your eyes start to glaze over when you hear the word bullying. Over the past few years, stories of bullying have been splashed all over various news media and programs to prevent and punish bullies have sprung up in schools across the country. The way bullying is defined varies in school handbooks, laws, and personal opinion. “Bullying” has become a catch-all term for all sorts of behavior. A word that is used to describe physical violence, stalking, and harassment is also used to describe any action or word that might hurt a child’s feelings or offend her parents.  

There are two main reasons I think we should change the way we talk about bullying. First, bullying lends itself to black-and-white or good-guy-vs.-bad-guy language. We often talk about the bully and the victim, prescribing total malice to the bully and total innocence and helplessness to the victim. The real world is rarely that clean. Often Kid A does something mean to Kid B and then Kid B does the same thing to Kid C. So is Kid B a bully or a victim?  

Next, focusing on taking something away (bullying) doesn’t mean that what is left is what we want. I believe that stopping bullying is a secondary goal to creating healthy communities. If we have a community based on mutual respect, compassion, and healthy problem solving then bullying naturally becomes an unacceptable behavior in the community. But how do we create such a community? I believe the answer starts with each of us as individuals.  

My pastor-friend often said, “We teach what we know, but we reproduce who we are.” In our families, church communities, and schools we teach people what we want them to know, but the behaviors and values they are most likely to internalize and repeat are the ones we live, not the ones we talk about. For example, if a parent tells his child to be kind and compassionate to all people and later that night is spewing angry, hateful language at the TV because of “those people” (and “they” could be a political party, racial/ethnic group, celebrity, anyone really), what did that child really learn? If we tell our children that at school they need to solve their problems in a healthy, respectful way, but at home conflict is ignored, how will that child learn the problem-solving skills he needs at school?  

Standing up to discrimination, injustice, and the hateful treatment of any person must start with the adults, so the children see what it looks like to treat all people with compassion and respect and to accept others who appear different. Preventing bullying, violence, and harassment and creating a safe environment is not the solely the job of the school; it is the job of the home, the workplace, the community, and the church. Anywhere we are present we have the opportunity to teach the next generations how people should be treated. Because as much as we try to teach what we know to be right, we will always reproduce how we actually live. That new community built on mutual respect, compassion, and healthy problem solving starts with you and it starts with me.

 

October is Bullying Prevention and Awareness Month

 



Beyond the Magic Wand

By: Kari, MA, LPC, NCC
 

A good therapist is always working himself or herself out of a job.  In other words, the most basic goal of therapy is to no longer need therapy.  However, the therapist can only do so much.  The therapist’s role is not to solve problems or make things better.  Unfortunately, therapists are not magicians, and there is no magic wand.

 

Consider physical therapy for a moment.  In physical therapy, there is a therapist.  The role of the physical therapist is to facilitate the healing process through the use of exercises, education, and so on.  Ultimately, the work itself falls on the patient; if the patient does not do his part, then healing will not take place.  Physical therapy can be a long and painful process, but that pain is accepted as a means to an end.  The therapist’s job is similar to that of a coach, offering guidance, support, and encouragement throughout the process, but if the therapist does not push the patient to stand on his own, the patient is left leaning on the therapist.

 

Similarly, when a person presents to counseling, there is a therapist.  Like the physical therapist, the role of the therapist is to facilitate the healing process through the use of exercises, education, and so on.  Again, the work itself falls on the client; if the client does not do her part, the healing will not take place.  Counseling can be a long and painful process, but unlike physical pain, emotional pain is often avoided.  However, the therapist’s job is the same, offering guidance, support, and encouragement throughout the process.  The therapist’s responsibility is to push the client to think for herself, make her own choices, and work through her healing.  If the therapist does all the problem-solving, the client then becomes dependent on the therapist for answers and advice.

 

As a person who has worked in both physical therapy and now mental health, I can tell you that it is difficult to watch someone struggle, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Naturally, there exists a desire to alleviate pain within every healthcare professional.  When clients ask me what they should do, of course I wish there were some magic words to make their pain cease.  But the truth is, it’s not my place to tell people what to do, and even if it were, what I would do in a particular situation may be very different from what someone else would do.  What may be helpful for me may not be helpful for someone else.  What I see as a solution may be more of a problem for someone else.  

 

The bottom line is that therapy takes time and effort, and I promise you that the therapist does not have a magic wand.  The clients who get the most out of therapy are those who come in ready to participate in self-exploration, put in the work, and move toward lasting change.  Change is not easy, and it certainly can be painful.  The therapist is there to walk with you but can only do so much.  The rest belongs to you.



You're Just Not That Special

By: Kari, MA, LPC, NCC

Oftentimes, we are our own worst enemy.  We belittle and berate ourselves, blame ourselves for things we could not have foreseen or prevented, and then we wonder why we are left feeling defeated and stressed.  One of the most common ways we do this to ourselves is by personalizing things that just aren’t personal.

For example, let’s say you send an email to a potential employer about a job posting.  You are really excited about the job opportunity and are eager to hear back.  You begin checking your email every few hours, hoping to see a response in your inbox.  A few days pass, and still nothing.  Where does your mind go with that?  More than likely, you are telling yourself that you were an idiot to think that you could ever get the job, the person reading your résumé is laughing at you, and you should just crawl into a hole and never come out. 

On the other hand, if it were your friend instead of you, you would probably be more rational and remind your friend that hiring decisions are seldom a quick process and that he or she is a competent and capable individual well-deserving of such a job. 

So why do we personalize the impersonal?  It only serves to drive us crazy, so why do we do it to ourselves?  To put it in the words of Dr. Patrick McGrath (2006), an industry-recognized expert, “People with anxiety and stress often think they are special – they think the rules of the world apply to them differently than the other 6.5 billion people living on this planet” (p. 16).  If it’s your friend applying for a new job, they are certainly qualified, and the delay is to be expected.  But when it’s you applying for a new job, the delay sends your mind racing to the worst-case scenario because you believe that somehow a company’s hiring process applies to you differently than everyone else.

So my challenge to you is this: Accept the fact that you are just not that special.  I anticipate that this statement can feel pretty harsh, so let me qualify it by saying that you are, however, unique, with your own set of strengths and gifts, and you have value as an individual.  But you are not special, as the rules of the world apply to you the same way as everybody else.  So slow down, take a breath, and sit with the idea that while you are unique, you are ultimately no different than the other 6.5 billion people on this planet.

References

McGrath, P. B. (2006). Don't try harder, try different: A workbook for managing anxiety and stress. USA: Author.



The Impact of the Newtown, CT Tragedy on the Autism Community

By: Kari, MA, LPC candidate

 

 

We were all shocked and saddened by the tragic events that unfolded at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut on Friday, December 14^th.  Unfortunately, speculation among the media that the shooter, Adam Lanza, had an autism spectrum disorder (Asperger’s Disorder) as well as amateur conjecture about a link between autism and premeditated violence have intensified the impact of this tragedy for many in the autism community. 

 

Simply put, Asperger’s Disorder (also known as Asperger’s Syndrome) is an autism spectrum disorder characterized by normal intelligence and normal or near-normal language development.  Children who are diagnosed with this disorder will likely have difficulty interacting with others and may be described as “awkward” in social situations.  They might have difficulty with basic communication skills, such as eye contact, using and/or interpreting body language or facial expressions, and understanding figures of speech or sarcasm.  They may display repetitive behaviors, such as hand wringing or flapping; have coordination problems; and require more structure and planning than other children.  Further, they will likely have a limited range of interests and may be exceptionally talented or skilled in a particular area.

 

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in every 88 U.S. children has autism.   Additionally, autism spectrum disorders are not characterized by violence or a desire to hurt others, and being diagnosed on the spectrum does not make a person dangerous.  In fact, the Autism Society of America released the following statement in response to the Newtown tragedy: “There is absolutely no evidence or any reliable research that suggests a linkage between autism and planned violence.”  It is critically important for all of us, professionals and laypeople alike, to understand that so as not to discriminate against the children and families that make up the autism community.

Risks of Sexting

By: Mandy, MSW, LSW

 

 

Consider the following scenario: Jennifer and Adam are 16 years old and have been dating for about six months. Adam sends Jennifer a text message asking her to send him a “special” photo. Jennifer goes to her room and takes a semi-nude photo and sends it to Adam.  

Jennifer has potentially committed 3 felonies: creation, dissemination, and possession of child pornography. Adam has potentially committed 2 felonies: solicitation and possession of child pornography. If he sends the photo to a friend, he now qualifies for a felony for dissemination. Each felony comes with a minimum fine of $2,000 and a minimum sentence of four years in prison. That potentially equates to $6,000 in fines and 12 years in prison for Jennifer and $4,000 in fines and 8 years in prison for Adam (assuming he did not send the picture to any of his friends).  

After completing their prison sentences, both Adam and Jennifer would have to register with the national sex offenders’ database. Not registering would result in ANOTHER felony. Once registered, anyone would be able to search the website and find them along with their crimes of “child pornography” listed there. The law makes no distinction between a 16-year-old girl who consents to taking a semi-nude picture of herself and an adult who photographs or videos children forced to commit a sex act.  

As registered sex offenders, Adam and Jennifer would be banned from school grounds and parks. They could not participate in park district activities. Many colleges would not accept them, and they would be barred from any career that would involve working with minors; they could not be teachers, daycare workers, therapists, or pediatricians. They could not volunteer at their children’s school or coach their little league teams. The charges would show up on every background check conducted for every job they ever apply for.  

As you can see, sexting (sending a nude or semi-nude photograph via text message) has the potential to ruin a child’s life forever. Students must be educated on the legal risks and consequences of sexting, and it needs to be made clear that once a photo is posted online or texted to someone, they can NEVER take it back.