Responsibility: What's Your Parenting Policy?

By: Kari, MA, LPC, NCC

 

 

 

One of the primary goals of parenting is to raise children to become responsible adults.  However, in order to do that, they must first learn to be responsible children.  This is accomplished through the parent(s) setting limits, giving the child choices within those limits, and allowing the child to experience the consequences of his or her choice(s).  This teaches children that their choices matter and carry responsibility.

 

As a parent, you have the opportunity to create a family culture of teamwork and cooperation.  Children are great at picking up on adults' unspoken expectations and living up (or down!) to them.  This means that if you are expecting your child to be cooperative, you are more likely to get cooperation in return.  Of course, merely expecting something doesn't mean it's guaranteed to happen, but over time, your child will likely grow to be more confident and responsible. 

 

Many parents tend to struggle with figuring out what is appropriate to expect of children at different ages.  As children get older, they go through different developmental stages.  Generally speaking, parents can expect certain skills and behaviors as children reach these different ages and stages.

 

So what are some age-appropriate expectations?  Well, most:

...6-year-olds can pick out clothes to wear, make a lunch, use a toaster, feed a pet, bring notes to/from school, etc.

...7-year-olds can take phone messages, sweep/wash the floor, wash/walk/train a pet, do the dishes, etc.

...8- and 9-year-olds can help with shopping, cook simple meals using recipes, clean their room with minimal assistance, vacuum, etc.

...10- and 11-year-olds can change bedding, use a washer/dryer, manage their homework schedule, fold/put away laundry, learn how to use/save money, clean their room weekly without assistance, etc.

...12-year-olds and young teens (13-14) can mow a lawn, wash a car, clean the stove/oven, babysit, etc.

...middle to older teens (15-19) can help with daily or weekly household chores (i.e. cleaning the bathroom or other common areas of the house), make sure the car does not run out of gas, hold an after-school job, etc.

 

With all of that in mind, in order to set your child up for success rather than failure, it's important to remember that children develop at their own rate.  It's also important not to let gender roles or ages/stages limit expectations.  For instance, parents can expect both girls and boys to help with housework.

 

Finally, when your child accomplishes any of the tasks listed above, you can reinforce that behavior by showing your genuine appreciation.  A hug, a pat on the back, or even a simple "thank you" can go a long way toward encouraging your child to continue to be cooperative and responsible.





Standing Against Family Violence

By: Kari, MA, LPC, NCC

 

Family Violence is a pattern of behaviors used by a family member to obtain power and control  over another family member.  "Power and control" is in bold because family violence is not an anger management problem; it is a behavioral choice made by the perpetrator(s).  This can take the form of emotional, verbal, financial, physical, spiritual, and/or sexual abuse.  Some common terms include domestic violence (DV), intimate partner violence, child abuse, elder abuse, and teen dating violence. 

Domestic violence is an equal opportunity problem.  In fact, it is the single leading cause of injury and death for women of all socioeconomic, ethnic, and cultural backgrounds.  On average, at least 3 women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends each day in the U.S.  However, it is important to note that anyone can be a victim, regardless of age, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, intelligence/education level, or socioeconomic status, and there is no profile of a "typical" victim.  Men can also be victims, and the prevalence of domestic violence in same-sex relationships is comparable to that in heterosexual relationships.  (Because victims are most often women and men are most often perpetrators, this article will refer to victims as "she" or "her" and perpetrators as "he" or "him").

Perpetrators are most often male; exhibit controlling behavior; blame others and/or external forces for their violent behavior; are excessively jealous; tend to rush into relationships; have unrealistic expectations or demands; believe in male supremacy; are often sophisticated, charming, and manipulative; and tend to be very intelligent, with knowledge of the legal system and impressive jobs or careers.

The influence of drugs and/or alcohol is often used as an excuse for violence.  However, substance use/abuse is not the cause of violence.  In fact, research has shown that abusers who enter substance abuse treatment programs and are successful in recovery are often still abusive.

If you are unfamiliar with the cycle of power, control, and manipulation that takes place in abusive relationships, it is easy to fall into the trap of wondering why she stays or goes back to her abuser time and time again.  It can certainly be scary and frustrating to see someone you care about in this type of situation.  If you find yourself in that category, I would encourage you to think about some of the things that make it difficult to leave a non-violent marriage or committed relationship.  You would probably come up with things like love, hope that the person will change, children, pets, religious beliefs, housing concerns, lack of support, and financial concerns.  Well, all of those same reasons still apply when it comes to abusive relationships, in addition to fear and feeling powerless and hopeless.  Further, abusive relationships seldom start out that way.  In fact, abuse tends to get progressively worse over time.  Consider the egg-boiling analogy:  If you drop a cold egg into boiling water, it's likely to crack; however, if you put the egg in the water and then turn on the heat, the shell remains intact.

If you think you or someone you know might be involved in an abusive relationship, here are some red flags to watch out for:

• Fear of what will happen at home and/or how he will react.
• Fear of making decisions without his input.
• He is always with her, doesn't want to leave her alone, and/or keeps track of her every move.
• He answers questions for her.
• She is lonely and isolated, with little to no support.
• She is exhibiting anxiety, depression, drinking/abusing drugs, and/or self-injury behaviors.

If you think someone you know might be involved in an abusive relationship, here are some dos and don'ts:

• DO acknowledge that violence is wrong and a crime.
• DO acknowledge that she is in a difficult and scary situation.
• DO be supportive, whether she decides to leave the relationship or not.
• DO assure her that help is available for both her and her abuser.
• DO refer her to domestic violence professionals.
• DO ask her if she is safe and/or help her develop a safety plan.
• DO document the incident.  Victims often need documented proof of injuries when using the legal system to get protection from the abuser.
• DO remember that you cannot save her and that safety comes first (for both you and the victim)!
• DON'T pass judgment on her or the person who has hurt her.
• DON'T confront the abuser about anything the victim says.
• DON'T suggest marriage or couples counseling!
• DON'T assume that she will be safer when she leaves.  The most dangerous time for a victim is right after she leaves her abuser.

 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month





Redefining the Bullying Conversation

By: Mandy, MSW, LSW

 

If you’re anything like me, your eyes start to glaze over when you hear the word bullying. Over the past few years, stories of bullying have been splashed all over various news media and programs to prevent and punish bullies have sprung up in schools across the country. The way bullying is defined varies in school handbooks, laws, and personal opinion. “Bullying” has become a catch-all term for all sorts of behavior. A word that is used to describe physical violence, stalking, and harassment is also used to describe any action or word that might hurt a child’s feelings or offend her parents.  

There are two main reasons I think we should change the way we talk about bullying. First, bullying lends itself to black-and-white or good-guy-vs.-bad-guy language. We often talk about the bully and the victim, prescribing total malice to the bully and total innocence and helplessness to the victim. The real world is rarely that clean. Often Kid A does something mean to Kid B and then Kid B does the same thing to Kid C. So is Kid B a bully or a victim?  

Next, focusing on taking something away (bullying) doesn’t mean that what is left is what we want. I believe that stopping bullying is a secondary goal to creating healthy communities. If we have a community based on mutual respect, compassion, and healthy problem solving then bullying naturally becomes an unacceptable behavior in the community. But how do we create such a community? I believe the answer starts with each of us as individuals.  

My pastor-friend often said, “We teach what we know, but we reproduce who we are.” In our families, church communities, and schools we teach people what we want them to know, but the behaviors and values they are most likely to internalize and repeat are the ones we live, not the ones we talk about. For example, if a parent tells his child to be kind and compassionate to all people and later that night is spewing angry, hateful language at the TV because of “those people” (and “they” could be a political party, racial/ethnic group, celebrity, anyone really), what did that child really learn? If we tell our children that at school they need to solve their problems in a healthy, respectful way, but at home conflict is ignored, how will that child learn the problem-solving skills he needs at school?  

Standing up to discrimination, injustice, and the hateful treatment of any person must start with the adults, so the children see what it looks like to treat all people with compassion and respect and to accept others who appear different. Preventing bullying, violence, and harassment and creating a safe environment is not the solely the job of the school; it is the job of the home, the workplace, the community, and the church. Anywhere we are present we have the opportunity to teach the next generations how people should be treated. Because as much as we try to teach what we know to be right, we will always reproduce how we actually live. That new community built on mutual respect, compassion, and healthy problem solving starts with you and it starts with me.

 

October is Bullying Prevention and Awareness Month

 



Beyond the Magic Wand

By: Kari, MA, LPC, NCC
 

A good therapist is always working himself or herself out of a job.  In other words, the most basic goal of therapy is to no longer need therapy.  However, the therapist can only do so much.  The therapist’s role is not to solve problems or make things better.  Unfortunately, therapists are not magicians, and there is no magic wand.

 

Consider physical therapy for a moment.  In physical therapy, there is a therapist.  The role of the physical therapist is to facilitate the healing process through the use of exercises, education, and so on.  Ultimately, the work itself falls on the patient; if the patient does not do his part, then healing will not take place.  Physical therapy can be a long and painful process, but that pain is accepted as a means to an end.  The therapist’s job is similar to that of a coach, offering guidance, support, and encouragement throughout the process, but if the therapist does not push the patient to stand on his own, the patient is left leaning on the therapist.

 

Similarly, when a person presents to counseling, there is a therapist.  Like the physical therapist, the role of the therapist is to facilitate the healing process through the use of exercises, education, and so on.  Again, the work itself falls on the client; if the client does not do her part, the healing will not take place.  Counseling can be a long and painful process, but unlike physical pain, emotional pain is often avoided.  However, the therapist’s job is the same, offering guidance, support, and encouragement throughout the process.  The therapist’s responsibility is to push the client to think for herself, make her own choices, and work through her healing.  If the therapist does all the problem-solving, the client then becomes dependent on the therapist for answers and advice.

 

As a person who has worked in both physical therapy and now mental health, I can tell you that it is difficult to watch someone struggle, whether it be physically or emotionally.  Naturally, there exists a desire to alleviate pain within every healthcare professional.  When clients ask me what they should do, of course I wish there were some magic words to make their pain cease.  But the truth is, it’s not my place to tell people what to do, and even if it were, what I would do in a particular situation may be very different from what someone else would do.  What may be helpful for me may not be helpful for someone else.  What I see as a solution may be more of a problem for someone else.  

 

The bottom line is that therapy takes time and effort, and I promise you that the therapist does not have a magic wand.  The clients who get the most out of therapy are those who come in ready to participate in self-exploration, put in the work, and move toward lasting change.  Change is not easy, and it certainly can be painful.  The therapist is there to walk with you but can only do so much.  The rest belongs to you.



You're Just Not That Special

By: Kari, MA, LPC, NCC

Oftentimes, we are our own worst enemy.  We belittle and berate ourselves, blame ourselves for things we could not have foreseen or prevented, and then we wonder why we are left feeling defeated and stressed.  One of the most common ways we do this to ourselves is by personalizing things that just aren’t personal.

For example, let’s say you send an email to a potential employer about a job posting.  You are really excited about the job opportunity and are eager to hear back.  You begin checking your email every few hours, hoping to see a response in your inbox.  A few days pass, and still nothing.  Where does your mind go with that?  More than likely, you are telling yourself that you were an idiot to think that you could ever get the job, the person reading your résumé is laughing at you, and you should just crawl into a hole and never come out. 

On the other hand, if it were your friend instead of you, you would probably be more rational and remind your friend that hiring decisions are seldom a quick process and that he or she is a competent and capable individual well-deserving of such a job. 

So why do we personalize the impersonal?  It only serves to drive us crazy, so why do we do it to ourselves?  To put it in the words of Dr. Patrick McGrath (2006), an industry-recognized expert, “People with anxiety and stress often think they are special – they think the rules of the world apply to them differently than the other 6.5 billion people living on this planet” (p. 16).  If it’s your friend applying for a new job, they are certainly qualified, and the delay is to be expected.  But when it’s you applying for a new job, the delay sends your mind racing to the worst-case scenario because you believe that somehow a company’s hiring process applies to you differently than everyone else.

So my challenge to you is this: Accept the fact that you are just not that special.  I anticipate that this statement can feel pretty harsh, so let me qualify it by saying that you are, however, unique, with your own set of strengths and gifts, and you have value as an individual.  But you are not special, as the rules of the world apply to you the same way as everybody else.  So slow down, take a breath, and sit with the idea that while you are unique, you are ultimately no different than the other 6.5 billion people on this planet.

References

McGrath, P. B. (2006). Don't try harder, try different: A workbook for managing anxiety and stress. USA: Author.



The Impact of the Newtown, CT Tragedy on the Autism Community

By: Kari, MA, LPC candidate

 

 

We were all shocked and saddened by the tragic events that unfolded at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut on Friday, December 14^th.  Unfortunately, speculation among the media that the shooter, Adam Lanza, had an autism spectrum disorder (Asperger’s Disorder) as well as amateur conjecture about a link between autism and premeditated violence have intensified the impact of this tragedy for many in the autism community. 

 

Simply put, Asperger’s Disorder (also known as Asperger’s Syndrome) is an autism spectrum disorder characterized by normal intelligence and normal or near-normal language development.  Children who are diagnosed with this disorder will likely have difficulty interacting with others and may be described as “awkward” in social situations.  They might have difficulty with basic communication skills, such as eye contact, using and/or interpreting body language or facial expressions, and understanding figures of speech or sarcasm.  They may display repetitive behaviors, such as hand wringing or flapping; have coordination problems; and require more structure and planning than other children.  Further, they will likely have a limited range of interests and may be exceptionally talented or skilled in a particular area.

 

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in every 88 U.S. children has autism.   Additionally, autism spectrum disorders are not characterized by violence or a desire to hurt others, and being diagnosed on the spectrum does not make a person dangerous.  In fact, the Autism Society of America released the following statement in response to the Newtown tragedy: “There is absolutely no evidence or any reliable research that suggests a linkage between autism and planned violence.”  It is critically important for all of us, professionals and laypeople alike, to understand that so as not to discriminate against the children and families that make up the autism community.

Risks of Sexting

By: Mandy, MSW, LSW

 

 

Consider the following scenario: Jennifer and Adam are 16 years old and have been dating for about six months. Adam sends Jennifer a text message asking her to send him a “special” photo. Jennifer goes to her room and takes a semi-nude photo and sends it to Adam.  

Jennifer has potentially committed 3 felonies: creation, dissemination, and possession of child pornography. Adam has potentially committed 2 felonies: solicitation and possession of child pornography. If he sends the photo to a friend, he now qualifies for a felony for dissemination. Each felony comes with a minimum fine of $2,000 and a minimum sentence of four years in prison. That potentially equates to $6,000 in fines and 12 years in prison for Jennifer and $4,000 in fines and 8 years in prison for Adam (assuming he did not send the picture to any of his friends).  

After completing their prison sentences, both Adam and Jennifer would have to register with the national sex offenders’ database. Not registering would result in ANOTHER felony. Once registered, anyone would be able to search the website and find them along with their crimes of “child pornography” listed there. The law makes no distinction between a 16-year-old girl who consents to taking a semi-nude picture of herself and an adult who photographs or videos children forced to commit a sex act.  

As registered sex offenders, Adam and Jennifer would be banned from school grounds and parks. They could not participate in park district activities. Many colleges would not accept them, and they would be barred from any career that would involve working with minors; they could not be teachers, daycare workers, therapists, or pediatricians. They could not volunteer at their children’s school or coach their little league teams. The charges would show up on every background check conducted for every job they ever apply for.  

As you can see, sexting (sending a nude or semi-nude photograph via text message) has the potential to ruin a child’s life forever. Students must be educated on the legal risks and consequences of sexting, and it needs to be made clear that once a photo is posted online or texted to someone, they can NEVER take it back.

 

 



Healthy Holidays: Tips for Coping with Grief

By:

Kari, MA, LPC candidate

Mandy, MSW, LSW



Losing a loved one is never easy, but holidays and anniversaries can be especially challenging.  During a time when everyone else is celebrating, it can feel even more lonely and difficult.  However, you can make it through the holidays.  You may not feel like celebrating, and that’s okay, but it’s important not to withdraw or isolate yourself.  Here are some ways that you can cope with and even celebrate the holidays while still remembering your loved one:

1. First and foremost, know your limits.  Be aware of your ability to handle stress, be realistic about how much you can take on, make time for self-care, and rest when you need to.
2. Continue family traditions that were meaningful to that person… if you feel up to it.  Don’t force yourself to do something you’re not comfortable with just because you think your loved one would want it that way.
3. Establish new traditions to commemorate your loved one.  For example:

• Make or purchase a decoration this year or every year that symbolizes your loved one.
• Light a candle in memory of your loved one.
• Consider donating some money or time to a charitable cause in honor of your loved one. 
• Write a letter or spend some time talking to your loved one. 

4. Prepare yourself, mentally and physically, for the holiday season.  Planning ahead will help you avoid feeling overwhelmed later on.
5. Make time for relaxation, but “plan” your downtime (i.e. time of day, what you will do or not do, etc.) to avoid feeling lonely or depressed.  Suggestions:

• Journaling.
• Deep breathing.
• Getting a massage.

You can sign up to receive emails about and discounts on a variety of different activities in your area at www.amazonlocal.com.

6. Avoid depressants, such as alcohol, extended time alone, negative people, etc.
7. Let others know what you need (or don’t need!); they won’t know unless you tell them.
8. Give yourself permission to laugh and enjoy the season as you feel compelled to do so.  We don’t honor our loved ones by forcing ourselves to feel sad, miserable, or guilty.
    
9. Get support as you need it!  This can come in the form of a family member, friend, counselor, or support group.  If you or someone you know may benefit from counseling (in English, Spanish, or Polish), call (847) 981-3514 or email ParishServices@alexian.net to get more information or request an appointment.

Myth Busters: Part II - Counselor-Selection Myths Examined

By:

Kari, MA, LPC candidate

Mandy, MSW, LSW

Last time, we discussed the many myths that surround the field of counseling.  This time, we’re looking at some of the myths about finding and selecting a counselor.  So let’s once again join Kari and Mandy, the Myth-Busting duo, to examine some of these misconceptions.

“Counseling is really expensive.”   

BUSTED: The fees for counseling services vary.  The standard rate for no insurance and no sliding scale is $120-150 per therapy hour.  HOWEVER… many counselors accept some form of insurance or offer a sliding scale fee system, which means that the fee can be adjusted/negotiated based on financial need.  Further, some counseling agencies have interns on staff, which are graduate students that are in their final year of training.  They are highly educated and are fully supervised by licensed staff and may be a more affordable alternative.  Additionally, many townships offer low-cost counseling services and/or subsidy programs for their citizens.   

Contact your insurance carrier and/or township for more information. 

“All counselors are the same.”   

BUSTED: Different counselors have different styles and specialties.  For example, you want to look for a counselor that specializes in what you need.  So if what you want is help solving a relationship problem with your significant other, you probably don’t want a counselor that specializes in inner-child work but rather someone who has experience working with couples.  If faith and spirituality are important to you, you can look for a counselor who will be able to integrate that into your therapy.  The bottom line is that there are a lot of different counselors out there, so don’t be afraid to ask questions. 

“Once you pick a counselor, you have to stick with them whether you like it or not.”   

BUSTED: As Mandy likes to say, sometimes finding a counselor is like shopping for jeans… sometimes you have to try on a few pairs before you find the right fit.  Or for you guys out there, sometimes finding a counselor is like finding a great mechanic… sometimes you have to ask around before you find one that you trust.  After a few sessions, if you think the counselor isn’t a good fit for you, then have a conversation with the counselor about that.  You don’t have to settle. 

“Anyone can be a counselor.” 

BUSTED: The State of Illinois does license counseling professionals, and you have a right to ask to see their license.   

“Whaaaat??  So many acronyms… what do they all mean?” 

Psychology

BA: Bachelor of Arts (4-year undergraduate degree; not a license)
BS: Bachelor of Science (4-year undergraduate degree; not a license)

MA: Master of Arts (Bachelor's degree +2-3 years of graduate school; not a license)
MS: Master of Science (Bachelor's degree +2-3 years of graduate school; not a license)

PsyD: Doctor of Psychology (Bachelor's degree +4-8 years of graduate school; not a license)

PhD: Doctor of Philosophy (Bachelor's degree +4-8 years of graduate school; not a license)

LPC: Licensed Professional Counselor (requires at least a Master’s degree; must be supervised by someone with an LCPC)
NCC: National Certified Counselor (requires at least a Master's degree, usually obtained in addition to the LPC or LCPC licensure)

LCPC: Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (requires a Doctoral degree or LPC +2 years of full-time, supervised clinical work)

LMFT: Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (specialized license; not required to practice marriage/family counseling) 

Note: Bachelor/Master of Arts does not mean that the person studied art or painting, and Doctor of Philosophy does not mean that the person studied philosophy; these are generic terms.  For example, a PhD could be in anything from Psychology to Chemistry to English Literature… so feel free to ask! 

Social Work

BSW: Bachelor of Social Work (4-year undergraduate degree; not a license)

MSW: Master of Social Work (Bachelor's degree +2-3 years of graduate school; not a license)

DSW: Doctor of Social Work (Bachelor's degree +4-8 years of graduate school; not a license)

LSW: Licensed Social Worker (requires at least a Master’s degree; must be supervised by someone with an LCSW)

LCSW: Licensed Clinical Social Worker (requires at least a Master’s degree +2 years of full-time, supervised clinical work) 

Other

CADC: Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor (requires at least an Associate’s degree, only qualifies someone to do addictions counseling; this is often obtained in addition to another Master’s-level license)
ICDVP: Illinois Certified Domestic Violence Professional
MAPC: Master of Arts in Pastoral Counseling

"Where can I start?"
If you or someone you know may benefit from counseling (in English, Spanish, or Polish), and you live in the Chicagoland area, you can contact Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health: Parish Services at (847) 981-3514 or parishservices@alexian.net to get more information or request an appointment.

Myth Busters: Part I - Counseling Myths Examined

By:

Kari, MA, LPC candidate

Mandy, MSW, LSW

There are a lot of myths surrounding the field of counseling.  Many of them are fun to joke about but are not rooted in reality… at least not anymore.  So let’s join Kari and Mandy, the Myth-Busting duo, as they dissect some of these common misconceptions.

Counseling is NOT:

• …what you learned about in Psych 101 (Freud).
• …a never-ending process.
• …head-shrinking.  (Can your head actually get smaller???)
• …you being studied and analyzed like a Science project.
• …advice.
• …just for the mentally ill.

Now that we know what counseling is not, let’s take a look at what counseling is.

Counseling IS:

• …evidence-based, meaning that research has shown that these techniques work.
• …time-limited.  Good therapists are on a mission to work themselves out of business; the goal is always to not be needed anymore.
• …a collaborative effort between client and therapist.
• …for “regular folks” who want some support and guidance and/or want to make a change in their life
• …confidential.  Your therapist cannot discuss your treatment with anyone without your consent (unless there is an imminent safety concern).

Coming Soon!  Myth Busters: Part II – Counselor-Selection Myths Examined

Where to begin?  Alexian Brothers Behavioral Health: Parish Services
If you or someone you know may benefit from counseling (in English, Spanish, or Polish), call (847) 981-3514 or email ParishServices@alexian.net to get more information or request an appointment.  Fees for service vary based on income/financial need.



Decoding "I'm Fine": How Divorce Can Impact Children

By: Kari, MA, LPC candidate

Divorce is an incredibly stressful time… not just for the children, but for everyone involved.  Divorcing parents experience many complicated emotions, some of them conflicting, and there is a great deal of pressure to “keep it together” for the kids.  Some of the more widely-known consequences that divorce can have on children can be alarming, such as decreased psychological well-being in the form of depression, anxiety, low self-image/self-esteem, and other psychological problems (Burns & Dunlop, 2002; Kin, 2002; Marquardt, 2005); depressed educational achievement (Marquardt; King); lowered economic stability (King); juvenile delinquency, early sexual activity, and teen pregnancy (Marquardt).  Nonetheless, it is also important to emphasize that many children and young adults from divorced families do not suffer from major psychological problems, have achieved their education and career goals, and retain close ties with their families. They enjoy intimate relationships and do not appear to be “scarred for life” by the negative effects of divorce.  Unfortunately, in our society, if a child doesn’t display any of those worst-case-scenario outcomes, the assumption tends to be that that child is “fine” and is not in need of help.  However, it is important to know that children of divorce, even those who appear outwardly “fine”, have suffered a loss and need time, space, and support to grieve and adjust. 

            Commitment, trust, intimacy, and communication are a few of the most important building blocks for healthy relationships, and experiencing parental divorce can affect one’s ability to engage in any or all of them.  In particular, Hayashi and Strickland (1998) conducted a study exploring the long-term effects of parental divorce on romantic relationships.  They discussed the “sleeper effect”, which they described as an individual’s vivid memories of parents’ marital dissolution, leaving that individual fearful of marriage, unable to maintain a steady relationship, and “intensely afraid of loss or betrayal” (p. 25).  Further, conflict has a significant role in the impact divorce has on children, more specifically that if there is a high level of conflict pre-divorce, then the children tend to be better off after the divorce (Burns & Dunlop, 2002).  According to Hayashi and Strickland, “the level of interpersonal conflict is more important to a child’s development than the parents’ divorce itself.  Such conflict may erode the quality of relationship the child can have with either parent by forcing [him or her] into loyalty triangles” (p. 26).  This suggests that the parents’ ability to maintain a functional and civil relationship during and following the divorce could help reduce some of the negative effects related to the divorce itself. 

            Despite all of the scary possible outcomes, there is also the potential for positive outcomes related to parental divorce.  For instance, in some cases, divorce is not viewed as a loss but rather as a renewal or transformation (Shulman et al., 2001).  For example, if there was a great deal of conflict and unhappiness in the family prior to the divorce, the divorce itself could provide relief and/or a new beginning for all involved.  Additionally, parental divorce can serve as a powerful learning experience in that children who experience their parents’ divorce may learn to be more sensitive to problems in relationships and have a greater commitment to solving those problems (Hayashi & Strickland, 1998; Shulman et al.).  Further, although some children of divorce may inherit their parents’ maladaptive relationship style, others are able to learn from that template and establish healthier styles (Shulman et al.).  The bottom line is that children of divorce can and do grow up to be “successful adults in relationships and in life” (Johnson, 2011, p. 24), but they need the adults in their lives to recognize and acknowledge the significant impact their parents’ divorce will have on them today, tomorrow, and always.

Decoding "I'm Fine" event, presented by Alexian Brotheral Behavioral Health: Parish Services

References 

Burns, A., & Dunlop, R. (2002). Parental marital quality and family conflict: Longitudinal effects on adolescents from divorcing and non-divorcing families. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 37(1/2), 57-74. 

Hayashi, G. M., & Strickland, B. R. (1998). Long-term effects of parental divorce on love relationships: Divorce as attachment disruption. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15(1), 23-38. 

Johnson, V. I. (2011). Adult children of divorce and relationship education: Implications for counselors and counselor educators. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 19(1), 22-29.

King, V. (2002). Parental divorce and interpersonal trust in adult offspring. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64, 642-656. 

Marquardt, E. (2005). Between two worlds: The inner lives of children of divorce. New York: Crown Publishers.

Mullett, E., & Stolberg, A. L. (2002). Divorce and its impact on the intimate relationships of young adults. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 38(1/2), 39-59. 

Shulman, S., Scharf, M., Lumer, D., & Maurer, O. (2001). Parental divorce and young  adult children's romantic relationships: Resolution of the divorce experience. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 71(4), 473-478.

The Journey of Change

By: Mandy, MSW, LSW



I was given this poem in a class and I was struck by how well the poem illistrates the process and journey of change.

Autobiography In Five Short Chapters 

by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk 

I fall in.

I am lost ... I am helpless.

  It isn't my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again. 

I can't believe I am in the same place

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same stress.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It's my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it. 

V

I walk down another street.

Think about the changes you are trying to make in your life. What chapter best describes where you are in the change process? What steps will you need to take to move to another stage? 

Pathologizing Cultural Differences in the School Setting: Students with Language and Cultural Barriers

By: Kari, MA, LPC candidate

Privilege makes life easier (Rosenblum & Travis, 1997).  My work focusing on behavioral concerns in the school setting allowed me to see that general education (mainstream/standard school curriculum) students are privileged in comparison to their English Language Learner (ELL) and Special Education (SpEd) peers.  They are privileged in the sense that they are less likely to be singled out by their general education teacher as having a behavior problem or suspected of being “on the spectrum”.  They are privileged in that it is easier for them to learn the curriculum, both because it is taught in their native language and/or because they do not have any disabilities that would impact their learning, education, or development.

Those students also seem completely unaware of their privilege, which, according to Rosenblum and Travis (1997) is to be expected.  They take for granted the fact that they understand English, the language in which all standard school curriculum (other than foreign language classes, of course) are taught in this country.  Even in situations in which these students struggle through the difficult curriculum, they never seem to stop and think about how much more difficult it is for their classmates who are concurrently learning the English language on top of that challenging curriculum.

A further complication is that teachers seem to have evolved their own variation of profiling in which students labeled as ELL, learning disabled (LD), behavior disorder (BD), etc. are singled out for more acute observation, disciplinary action, alternative placement (i.e. special education or alternative school), or intervention, as they are assumed to be “trouble”.

           Throughout my experiences in a number of different schools, both public and parochial, I observed students with cultural differences and/or language barriers (CD/LB) in their general education classrooms, noting not only their behavior but also how they are treated by the classroom teacher/teaching assistants and other students. 

Common Teacher Concerns

            The most common concerns with which teachers approached me included issues of defiance, aggression, motivation, social, and autism spectrum disorder.  While some concerns of this nature are legitimate, I have seen many cases in which such concerns are due to cultural differences or a language barrier rather than a true behavioral disorder.

Defiance

            Defiant is defined as “boldly resistant or challenging”.  When a teacher would approach me with concerns about defiance, the issue was typically described in one of the following ways: (a) “[The student] does not follow directions” or (b) “[The student] needs a lot of prompting to complete tasks”.  However, in situations where a language barrier is present, the child oftentimes simply does not understand the direction and, therefore, is not defiant; he or she simply cannot comprehend what is being asked of him or her until physically shown/guided.  Once the student realizes what he or she is supposed to do, the direction is usually followed without resistance.

            A true-life example from my work experience took place in a kindergarten classroom.  I was supposed to be pulling a group of students for an intervention, but the teacher asked if I would help in the classroom first.  The students had just finished measuring an object of their choice and had drawn a picture of that object at the top of their paper.  They now had to copy a sentence that was written on the chalkboard: “The _____ was _____ cubes long.”

            I was walking around the room checking the students’ work when I came across one little boy whose paper was blank other than his drawing.  I complimented his picture and then told him it was time to copy the sentence, to which he replied: “No, I no copy.”  Noting his heavily-accented English, I sat down next to him.  I pointed to his illustration and asked what he had measured.  He indicated that he had measured his Reading book.  I pointed to the sentence on the chalkboard and prompted him by saying: “The book was… how many cubes?”  It then appeared to dawn on him that he needed to write the sentence and fill in the blanks, and he immediately began to do so.

            Looking back on that situation, I realize how easy it could have been (and was, in the case of his teacher) to misconstrue his lack of understanding as task refusal or disregarding directions.  However, upon closer examination, the fact that he had just not understood at first became apparent.  Once the time was taken to ensure that he understood, he was more than willing to do the work, and he took great care to complete it correctly (i.e. very careful letter formation, wanted it to look just so).

Aggression

            Aggressive is defined as “characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like”.  When a teacher would approach me with concerns about aggression, the issue was typically described in one of the following ways: (a) “[The student] does not use his/her words/uses inappropriate words to solve problems” or (b) “[The student] hits/pushes others”. 

            Although a child may occasionally behave aggressively, he or she may not be deserving of a label of “aggressive”, as there may be another explanation other than the child’s character.  For instance, it is reasonable to assume that a CD/LB student could become extremely frustrated.  The child may “lack alternative skills that would allow them to choose a socially-acceptable behavior to deal with a provocative situation in an assertive rather than aggressive manner” (Zirpoli, 2006, p. 4).  Children who are still learning English may be frustrated by being unable to effectively communicate their feelings verbally, thus leading to aggressive behavior in a child who may otherwise have no aggressive tendencies.

Motivation

            Lazy is defined as “averse or disinclined to work”.  When a teacher would approach me with concerns about motivation, the issue was typically described in one of the following ways: (a) “[The student] does not complete assignments [on time]”; (b) “[The student] does not ask questions/asks inappropriate questions”; (c) “[The student] does not make an effort”; (d) “[The student] demonstrates poor class performance/grades”; or (e) “[The student] is often off-task”.             

            Depending on the child, the underlying issue may or may not be one of motivation:  

            We might have to reconsider any belief that students don’t do their best in class due to lack of

            motivation…  Language anxiety results in 1) failure or confusion and 2) avoidance…  Students lose

            concentration, tend to forget what they have learned, [and] repeat careless mistakes…  They often

            skip classes, come to class late and/or without preparation, postpone their homework, avoid

            studying… [or] pretend to be indifferent.  (Goshi, 2005, p. 64-65)

Although this particular article was centered on general education students in a foreign language class, the concept is applicable to ELL students learning English, as well.

            Another possibility is that teachers may inadvertently convey the message that they do not have high expectations for a particular child, either through the removal of (rather than helping with) difficult tasks or verbal/nonverbal cues.  Once the student becomes aware of this, he or she may lose motivation and stop trying, thus creating a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Psychosocial

            Anti-social is defined in the dictionary as “opposed or detrimental to social order or the principles on which society is constituted”.  When a teacher would approach me with concerns about socialization, the issue was typically described in one of the following ways: (a) “[The student] avoids playing with others during recreation time”; (b) “[The student] does not engage with other children”; (c) [The student] has no concept of personal space”; (d) “[The student] does not share with/grabs things away from others”; or (e) “[The student] says inappropriate things”.

An alternative definition for anti-social is “unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people”.  A language barrier can make it very difficult for those children to express themselves and communicate with their peers.  Conversely, cultural differences may lead to a certain degree of peer rejection.  Either way, “lack of peer group acceptance contributes to loneliness, social dissatisfaction, and social withdrawal” (Perren, Von Wyl, Stadelmann, Bürgin, & Von Klitzing, 2006, p. 868).  It may not be that the child is choosing not to interact but that he or she cannot do so effectively.

            Another possibility is that the problem is developmental rather than pathological.  Perhaps the child just does not know that something that they say or do is wrong, either because they have seen the inappropriate behavior performed by adults at home or because they have never seen the appropriate behavior modeled.  For instance, there was a first-grade student who was sent to the principal’s office for threatening to cut off another boy’s genitals.  In a tone that expressed confusion over why he was in trouble, the boy told the principal that he had not said what he said out of anger and that he had not meant it.  The principal asked him where he had even heard that before, and the boy explained that his “daddy says it all the time”. 

            Children in general are very impressionable, but a CD/LB child, who is in great need of guidance on appropriate behavior and verbiage, will be even more so, so inappropriate modeling at home is especially detrimental.  Thus, that is important information to have so that interventions can be planned accordingly.

Autism Spectrum Disorder

Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is defined as “the tendency to be absorbed in oneself; a condition in which one’s thoughts, feelings, and desires are governed by one’s internal apprehensions of the world” (Penguin Reference, 2001).  ASD seems to be a favorite “go-to” diagnosis among teachers, at least in some of the schools where I have worked.  Nearly every teacher who has approached me has, at some point, said: “This student must be on the spectrum.”  Further, most of the students about whom that statement has been made are relatively new to this country. 

When a teacher would approach me with concerns that a student is “on the spectrum”, the issue(s) was/were typically described in at least one of the following ways: (a) “[The student] avoids playing with others during recreation time”; (b) “[The student] does not engage with other children”; (c) “[The student] has flat affect”; or (d) “[The student] does not/rarely make(s) eye contact”. 

There are several alternative explanations for this go-to diagnosis, some of which were mentioned in previous sections.  Difficulty relating to other children can be attributed to cultural differences and language barrier.  If a child has a hard time communicating, it will be difficult for him or her to bond with peers.  Lack of affect may be due to, again, a lack of understanding, although it is also possible that cultural display rules are playing a role.  For example, “Japanese norms lead people to… display fewer facial expressions in general than is true in the West” (Aronson, Wilson, & Akert, 2007, p. 97).  Furthermore, eye contact and other body language can be attributed to differences in cultural norms: “…in other parts of the world, direct eye gaze is considered invasive or disrespectful” (Aronson et al., p. 97).  Thus, it is clear that these seemingly tell-tale signs of ASD may not tell the whole story.

Why is This Happening?

There are several possibilities as to why this is occurring, some for which the teachers are responsible and some for which the students themselves are responsible. The first possibility is related to implicit personality theory, which is “a type of schema people use to group various kinds of personality traits together” (Aronson et al., 2007, p. 102).  In a school, some teachers tend to assume that a student needing SpEd or ELL services will also have a behavior issue by default.  As I mentioned previously, if such assumptions manifest in such a way that allows the student to realize them, a self-fulfilling prophesy situation may transpire.

Another possible explanation has to do with attribution theory, which applies to both teachers and students.  I will discuss how this pertains to students in a moment, but some teachers tend to infer that the child is behaving in a certain way became of something internal (i.e. attitude, character, or personality) as opposed to something external (i.e. the situation of being a CD/LB student). 

On the other hand, the reasoning for this may lie with something the student is doing, either deliberately or subconsciously, which is consistentwith self-awareness theory.  Self-awareness theory is “the idea that when people focus their attention on themselves, they evaluate and compare their behavior to their internal standards and values” (Aronson et al., 2007, p. 133).  A student may have done very well in school when he or she lived in another country, so he or she may not be used to struggling/failing in school (thus increasing frustration).  “If you feel you can’t change your behavior, being in a state of self-awareness will be uncomfortable because you will be confronted with disagreeable feedback about yourself” (p. 133).  This can lead to cognitive dissonance, which has a negative impact on self-esteem.  In order to alleviate the discomfort, people tend to change their opinion of a behavior rather than the behavior itself (Festinger & Carlsmith, 1959).  Therefore, a student may engage in self-handicapping in which he or she “create[s] obstacles and excuses for themselves so that if they do poorly on a task, they can avoid blaming themselves” (Aronson et al., p. 153).  Thus, the student has made an external attribution for his or her poor performance.

In all fairness, though, general education teachers have a plethora of things that require their attention, including the rest of the students in their classroom (many of which, these days are overcrowded).  According to the two-step process of attribution, a person may originally make an internal attribution about another person’s behavior but may later begin to consider alternative, external (situational) attributions for that behavior.  Nevertheless, this process can be delayed due to lack of time, energy, and motivation (Aronson et al., 2007).  Most teachers want their students to succeed and want to help them get the help that they need to do so.  However, teachers are also extremely busy, overworked, and undervalued, which could explain the delay between the initial and follow-up attributions. 

Conclusion: Implications for Mental Health Professionals

Respect for a person’s identity is… not just a courtesy we owe people.  It is a vital human need.  When we affirm people’s identities, we help them affirm themselves.  When we respect their defining human qualities, we help them respect themselves.  Conversely, a person or group of people can suffer real damage if the people or society around them mirror back to them a confining or demeaning or contemptible picture of themselves.  Non-recognition or misrecognition can inflict harm, can be a form of oppression.  (Nelson & Prilleltensky, 2005, p. 58)

This concept is important because it has serious implications for all of us in the mental health profession.  We need to be aware of cultural differences and how they can be misconstrued as a psychological defect/disorder.  Treating these differences as something that is “wrong” can do more harm than good for the client/student and may even cause them to doubt/shy away from the therapeutic process as a whole. 

            Further, mental health professionals who work with children need to be wary of the fact that teachers may not always be so culturally sensitive when it comes to referring children to therapy.  The word of the teacher is important, but it can also be biased.  I have seen many teachers hasten to (inappropriately) utilize the Conners' Rating Scale (a measure of ADHD) at the first sign of behavioral issues, the results of which are then sent on to the child’s student file, pediatrician, and/or therapist (if applicable).  Such biased reports/results can impose a label on the child that need not be there, and mental health professionals need to be cognizant of that possibility.

Finally, the American Counseling Association (ACA) requires all counselors to possess multicultural/diversity competence, which the ACA (2005) defines as “a capacity whereby counselors possess cultural and diversity awareness and knowledge about self and others and how this awareness and knowledge is applied effectively in practice with clients and client groups” (section E.8).  Similar sentiments can be found in the ethical guidelines of the American Psychological Association (APA) and the National Association of Social Workers (NASW).  In essence, mental health professionals must be aware of and sensitive to diversity and practice accordingly. 

References

American Counseling Association, (2005). ACA code of ethics. Alexandria, VA: Author.

Aronson, E., Wilson, T. D., & Akert, R. M. (2007). Social psychology (6th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Prentice Hall.

Festinger, L., & Carlsmith, J. M. (1959). Cognitive consequences of forced compliance. In W. A. Lesko (Ed.), Readings in social psychology: General, classic, and contemporary selections (3rd ed., pp. 89-97). Boston, MA: Pearson Education, Inc.

Goshi, M. (2005). Foreign language classroom anxiety: How should the classroom teacher deal with it?. Journal of The School of Marine Science and Technology, 3(2), 61-66.

Perren, S., Von Wyl, A., Stadelmann, S., Bürgin, D., & Von Klitzing, K. (2006). Associations between behavioral/emotional difficulties in kindergarten children and the quality of their   peer relationships. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, 45(7), 867-876.

Zirpoli, T. J. (2006). Aggressive behavior. Retrieved November 5, 2009, from www.education.com