By: Kari, MA, LPC candidate
Divorce is an incredibly stressful time… not just for the children, but for everyone involved. Divorcing parents experience many complicated emotions, some of them conflicting, and there is a great deal of pressure to “keep it together” for the kids. Some of the more widely-known consequences that divorce can have on children can be alarming, such as decreased psychological well-being in the form of depression, anxiety, low self-image/self-esteem, and other psychological problems (Burns & Dunlop, 2002; Kin, 2002; Marquardt, 2005); depressed educational achievement (Marquardt; King); lowered economic stability (King); juvenile delinquency, early sexual activity, and teen pregnancy (Marquardt). Nonetheless, it is also important to emphasize that many children and young adults from divorced families do not suffer from major psychological problems, have achieved their education and career goals, and retain close ties with their families. They enjoy intimate relationships and do not appear to be “scarred for life” by the negative effects of divorce. Unfortunately, in our society, if a child doesn’t display any of those worst-case-scenario outcomes, the assumption tends to be that that child is “fine” and is not in need of help. However, it is important to know that children of divorce, even those who appear outwardly “fine”, have suffered a loss and need time, space, and support to grieve and adjust.
Commitment, trust, intimacy, and communication are a few of the most important building blocks for healthy relationships, and experiencing parental divorce can affect one’s ability to engage in any or all of them. In particular, Hayashi and Strickland (1998) conducted a study exploring the long-term effects of parental divorce on romantic relationships. They discussed the “sleeper effect”, which they described as an individual’s vivid memories of parents’ marital dissolution, leaving that individual fearful of marriage, unable to maintain a steady relationship, and “intensely afraid of loss or betrayal” (p. 25). Further, conflict has a significant role in the impact divorce has on children, more specifically that if there is a high level of conflict pre-divorce, then the children tend to be better off after the divorce (Burns & Dunlop, 2002). According to Hayashi and Strickland, “the level of interpersonal conflict is more important to a child’s development than the parents’ divorce itself. Such conflict may erode the quality of relationship the child can have with either parent by forcing [him or her] into loyalty triangles” (p. 26). This suggests that the parents’ ability to maintain a functional and civil relationship during and following the divorce could help reduce some of the negative effects related to the divorce itself.
Despite all of the scary possible outcomes, there is also the potential for positive outcomes related to parental divorce. For instance, in some cases, divorce is not viewed as a loss but rather as a renewal or transformation (Shulman et al., 2001). For example, if there was a great deal of conflict and unhappiness in the family prior to the divorce, the divorce itself could provide relief and/or a new beginning for all involved. Additionally, parental divorce can serve as a powerful learning experience in that children who experience their parents’ divorce may learn to be more sensitive to problems in relationships and have a greater commitment to solving those problems (Hayashi & Strickland, 1998; Shulman et al.). Further, although some children of divorce may inherit their parents’ maladaptive relationship style, others are able to learn from that template and establish healthier styles (Shulman et al.). The bottom line is that children of divorce can and do grow up to be “successful adults in relationships and in life” (Johnson, 2011, p. 24), but they need the adults in their lives to recognize and acknowledge the significant impact their parents’ divorce will have on them today, tomorrow, and always.
References
Burns, A., & Dunlop, R. (2002). Parental marital quality and family conflict: Longitudinal effects on adolescents from divorcing and non-divorcing families. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 37(1/2), 57-74.
Hayashi, G. M., & Strickland, B. R. (1998). Long-term effects of parental divorce on love relationships: Divorce as attachment disruption. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15(1), 23-38.
Johnson, V. I. (2011). Adult children of divorce and relationship education: Implications for counselors and counselor educators. The Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families, 19(1), 22-29.
King, V. (2002). Parental divorce and interpersonal trust in adult offspring. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64, 642-656.
Marquardt, E. (2005). Between two worlds: The inner lives of children of divorce. New York: Crown Publishers.
Mullett, E., & Stolberg, A. L. (2002). Divorce and its impact on the intimate relationships of young adults. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 38(1/2), 39-59.
Shulman, S., Scharf, M., Lumer, D., & Maurer, O. (2001). Parental divorce and young adult children's romantic relationships: Resolution of the divorce experience. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 71(4), 473-478.
