Standing Against Family Violence

By: Kari, MA, LPC, NCC

 

Family Violence is a pattern of behaviors used by a family member to obtain power and control  over another family member.  "Power and control" is in bold because family violence is not an anger management problem; it is a behavioral choice made by the perpetrator(s).  This can take the form of emotional, verbal, financial, physical, spiritual, and/or sexual abuse.  Some common terms include domestic violence (DV), intimate partner violence, child abuse, elder abuse, and teen dating violence. 

Domestic violence is an equal opportunity problem.  In fact, it is the single leading cause of injury and death for women of all socioeconomic, ethnic, and cultural backgrounds.  On average, at least 3 women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends each day in the U.S.  However, it is important to note that anyone can be a victim, regardless of age, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, intelligence/education level, or socioeconomic status, and there is no profile of a "typical" victim.  Men can also be victims, and the prevalence of domestic violence in same-sex relationships is comparable to that in heterosexual relationships.  (Because victims are most often women and men are most often perpetrators, this article will refer to victims as "she" or "her" and perpetrators as "he" or "him").

Perpetrators are most often male; exhibit controlling behavior; blame others and/or external forces for their violent behavior; are excessively jealous; tend to rush into relationships; have unrealistic expectations or demands; believe in male supremacy; are often sophisticated, charming, and manipulative; and tend to be very intelligent, with knowledge of the legal system and impressive jobs or careers.

The influence of drugs and/or alcohol is often used as an excuse for violence.  However, substance use/abuse is not the cause of violence.  In fact, research has shown that abusers who enter substance abuse treatment programs and are successful in recovery are often still abusive.

If you are unfamiliar with the cycle of power, control, and manipulation that takes place in abusive relationships, it is easy to fall into the trap of wondering why she stays or goes back to her abuser time and time again.  It can certainly be scary and frustrating to see someone you care about in this type of situation.  If you find yourself in that category, I would encourage you to think about some of the things that make it difficult to leave a non-violent marriage or committed relationship.  You would probably come up with things like love, hope that the person will change, children, pets, religious beliefs, housing concerns, lack of support, and financial concerns.  Well, all of those same reasons still apply when it comes to abusive relationships, in addition to fear and feeling powerless and hopeless.  Further, abusive relationships seldom start out that way.  In fact, abuse tends to get progressively worse over time.  Consider the egg-boiling analogy:  If you drop a cold egg into boiling water, it's likely to crack; however, if you put the egg in the water and then turn on the heat, the shell remains intact.

If you think you or someone you know might be involved in an abusive relationship, here are some red flags to watch out for:

• Fear of what will happen at home and/or how he will react.
• Fear of making decisions without his input.
• He is always with her, doesn't want to leave her alone, and/or keeps track of her every move.
• He answers questions for her.
• She is lonely and isolated, with little to no support.
• She is exhibiting anxiety, depression, drinking/abusing drugs, and/or self-injury behaviors.

If you think someone you know might be involved in an abusive relationship, here are some dos and don'ts:

• DO acknowledge that violence is wrong and a crime.
• DO acknowledge that she is in a difficult and scary situation.
• DO be supportive, whether she decides to leave the relationship or not.
• DO assure her that help is available for both her and her abuser.
• DO refer her to domestic violence professionals.
• DO ask her if she is safe and/or help her develop a safety plan.
• DO document the incident.  Victims often need documented proof of injuries when using the legal system to get protection from the abuser.
• DO remember that you cannot save her and that safety comes first (for both you and the victim)!
• DON'T pass judgment on her or the person who has hurt her.
• DON'T confront the abuser about anything the victim says.
• DON'T suggest marriage or couples counseling!
• DON'T assume that she will be safer when she leaves.  The most dangerous time for a victim is right after she leaves her abuser.

 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month





Redefining the Bullying Conversation

By: Mandy, MSW, LSW

 

If you’re anything like me, your eyes start to glaze over when you hear the word bullying. Over the past few years, stories of bullying have been splashed all over various news media and programs to prevent and punish bullies have sprung up in schools across the country. The way bullying is defined varies in school handbooks, laws, and personal opinion. “Bullying” has become a catch-all term for all sorts of behavior. A word that is used to describe physical violence, stalking, and harassment is also used to describe any action or word that might hurt a child’s feelings or offend her parents.  

There are two main reasons I think we should change the way we talk about bullying. First, bullying lends itself to black-and-white or good-guy-vs.-bad-guy language. We often talk about the bully and the victim, prescribing total malice to the bully and total innocence and helplessness to the victim. The real world is rarely that clean. Often Kid A does something mean to Kid B and then Kid B does the same thing to Kid C. So is Kid B a bully or a victim?  

Next, focusing on taking something away (bullying) doesn’t mean that what is left is what we want. I believe that stopping bullying is a secondary goal to creating healthy communities. If we have a community based on mutual respect, compassion, and healthy problem solving then bullying naturally becomes an unacceptable behavior in the community. But how do we create such a community? I believe the answer starts with each of us as individuals.  

My pastor-friend often said, “We teach what we know, but we reproduce who we are.” In our families, church communities, and schools we teach people what we want them to know, but the behaviors and values they are most likely to internalize and repeat are the ones we live, not the ones we talk about. For example, if a parent tells his child to be kind and compassionate to all people and later that night is spewing angry, hateful language at the TV because of “those people” (and “they” could be a political party, racial/ethnic group, celebrity, anyone really), what did that child really learn? If we tell our children that at school they need to solve their problems in a healthy, respectful way, but at home conflict is ignored, how will that child learn the problem-solving skills he needs at school?  

Standing up to discrimination, injustice, and the hateful treatment of any person must start with the adults, so the children see what it looks like to treat all people with compassion and respect and to accept others who appear different. Preventing bullying, violence, and harassment and creating a safe environment is not the solely the job of the school; it is the job of the home, the workplace, the community, and the church. Anywhere we are present we have the opportunity to teach the next generations how people should be treated. Because as much as we try to teach what we know to be right, we will always reproduce how we actually live. That new community built on mutual respect, compassion, and healthy problem solving starts with you and it starts with me.

 

October is Bullying Prevention and Awareness Month