Standing Against Family Violence

By: Kari, MA, LPC, NCC

 

Family Violence is a pattern of behaviors used by a family member to obtain power and control  over another family member.  "Power and control" is in bold because family violence is not an anger management problem; it is a behavioral choice made by the perpetrator(s).  This can take the form of emotional, verbal, financial, physical, spiritual, and/or sexual abuse.  Some common terms include domestic violence (DV), intimate partner violence, child abuse, elder abuse, and teen dating violence. 

Domestic violence is an equal opportunity problem.  In fact, it is the single leading cause of injury and death for women of all socioeconomic, ethnic, and cultural backgrounds.  On average, at least 3 women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends each day in the U.S.  However, it is important to note that anyone can be a victim, regardless of age, race, religion, culture, sexual orientation, intelligence/education level, or socioeconomic status, and there is no profile of a "typical" victim.  Men can also be victims, and the prevalence of domestic violence in same-sex relationships is comparable to that in heterosexual relationships.  (Because victims are most often women and men are most often perpetrators, this article will refer to victims as "she" or "her" and perpetrators as "he" or "him").

Perpetrators are most often male; exhibit controlling behavior; blame others and/or external forces for their violent behavior; are excessively jealous; tend to rush into relationships; have unrealistic expectations or demands; believe in male supremacy; are often sophisticated, charming, and manipulative; and tend to be very intelligent, with knowledge of the legal system and impressive jobs or careers.

The influence of drugs and/or alcohol is often used as an excuse for violence.  However, substance use/abuse is not the cause of violence.  In fact, research has shown that abusers who enter substance abuse treatment programs and are successful in recovery are often still abusive.

If you are unfamiliar with the cycle of power, control, and manipulation that takes place in abusive relationships, it is easy to fall into the trap of wondering why she stays or goes back to her abuser time and time again.  It can certainly be scary and frustrating to see someone you care about in this type of situation.  If you find yourself in that category, I would encourage you to think about some of the things that make it difficult to leave a non-violent marriage or committed relationship.  You would probably come up with things like love, hope that the person will change, children, pets, religious beliefs, housing concerns, lack of support, and financial concerns.  Well, all of those same reasons still apply when it comes to abusive relationships, in addition to fear and feeling powerless and hopeless.  Further, abusive relationships seldom start out that way.  In fact, abuse tends to get progressively worse over time.  Consider the egg-boiling analogy:  If you drop a cold egg into boiling water, it's likely to crack; however, if you put the egg in the water and then turn on the heat, the shell remains intact.

If you think you or someone you know might be involved in an abusive relationship, here are some red flags to watch out for:

• Fear of what will happen at home and/or how he will react.
• Fear of making decisions without his input.
• He is always with her, doesn't want to leave her alone, and/or keeps track of her every move.
• He answers questions for her.
• She is lonely and isolated, with little to no support.
• She is exhibiting anxiety, depression, drinking/abusing drugs, and/or self-injury behaviors.

If you think someone you know might be involved in an abusive relationship, here are some dos and don'ts:

• DO acknowledge that violence is wrong and a crime.
• DO acknowledge that she is in a difficult and scary situation.
• DO be supportive, whether she decides to leave the relationship or not.
• DO assure her that help is available for both her and her abuser.
• DO refer her to domestic violence professionals.
• DO ask her if she is safe and/or help her develop a safety plan.
• DO document the incident.  Victims often need documented proof of injuries when using the legal system to get protection from the abuser.
• DO remember that you cannot save her and that safety comes first (for both you and the victim)!
• DON'T pass judgment on her or the person who has hurt her.
• DON'T confront the abuser about anything the victim says.
• DON'T suggest marriage or couples counseling!
• DON'T assume that she will be safer when she leaves.  The most dangerous time for a victim is right after she leaves her abuser.

 

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month